Archive for November, 2010

What am I doing…?

One of my bad days. Nothing has to happen for it to be bad. I just get so upset for no reason. Lost and confused. Can’t seem to breath. Can’t seem to concentrate. Can’t seem to want to socialize. Wish people would leave me alone for a few days…

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Return to Naruto Shippuuden

Hm, so my bf got me back into Naruto. Of course, I didn’t read the manga or see the anime. I’ve been reading summaries since I was toooooo far back and he’s been telling me about the war that is to come. Well, its been interesting to read. Its almost like the author thought long ahead when you’re reading about what was really going on in the whole plot. And you’re left like, “WHAT?!” Eh, the only problem I have is that some of the characters I get confused on. Too many to remember ~_~ So, as I’m reading about Pain’s many forms e_e Well, yeh, that’s where I’m totally lost >_> So basically I went thinking of them as Pain 1 and Pain 2 and Pain 3. LOLz.

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A Change

I can’t sleep. I’m tired, but I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts and sleep.

The main thing that keeps flashing in my head is: I’m tired of myself.

I really want to change.

And I don’t mean a personality switch. I want to take care of my body. As much as I try to be more confident, it does not help to look into that mirror, feel yourself up, and simply compare to someone not you. I get so enraged sometimes at myself at why I let it go this far. Why didn’t I have the will to stop if I knew the consequences? But I think back and I can’t think if I ever had a reason for living, my raison d’Etre. Its so… black and white. Like I was spectral. Nothingness. I had no reason.

But now? Now I’m plain tired of myself. I see this girl, who is starting to not feel like me anymore. Isn’t that strange?

The first thing on my mind for change is–surprise, surprise–money.

Why money?

As much as would like to spend that on something trivial, I actually want to first re-do my entire wardrobe.

Clothes? Don’t you have any?

Yes…. and no.

My clothes are so old, its not even funny. Most of it is clothes for home. Most of it, I should never be caught dead wearing outside the house. Its not skanky or anything. Its simple old. Hell, I had skater shoes since I was back in High School, a Sophomore, I believe…or maybe even before. Truth be told, I don’t remember what my last pair of shoes were before those. Sad.

So how do you propose getting this money?

I don’t know, honestly. That’s my entire problem. Hard to find a job, as it is. Harder to find a job I can do. That isn’t to say I’m that much of a lazy ass. I just have no motivation after a while. I wonder sometimes how people do it. And I wonder sometimes what could be the perfect job for me. As much as I love art, I have to be moved. As much as I love graphic designing, found out I need to do something so I wouldn’t ruin my back with it.

Slouching is bad. I am definitely trying to break my nasty habits. All of them. From slouching to poor eating habits.

Just have to remember everything. Have trouble remembering. Even the alerts on my phone don’t seem to help. Maybe I need to set them 5 times in a row, hoping by the 4th or 5th, I get annoyed enough to go do it. Ha ha.

I couldn’t become a firefighter, cop, nurse, doctor, or go into the army. In those professions, I feel I have a more than likely chance to see something that would make me more a liability than help. I’ve always had this problem of being unable to see or read in detail a wound, whether fatal or not. Movies, games, cartoons: Sure; Real life: Negative. Sometimes, I just get creeped by my own injuries. Start breaking out into a cold sweat.

So what do I do…

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Bad Days

So I no longer have internet for my computer at home. Sucks. Everyday I would get on to check Gaia, TinierMe, Facebook, Moga, Mobion, RP Forums, and deviantART or just look up music or just look up stuff to fix my desktop, but the internet was too much apparently, so… Yeh, internetless again -_- *sighs* I’ll try to do everything via phone, but Blackberry STILL won’t work with Flash. Bah!

I ended up pulling my lower back a few days ago. As to the exact problem, I’m not sure, all I know is that I was bending over the dishwasher one moment and then wracked with pain the next. Yesterday I was fine. But then this morning I couldn’t bend again. I’ve been laying on my back or tummy down on the back in bed, or not slouching all day. Its a real pain to not be able to bend, which is bad anyway, because my chest gets in the way. Damn boobs.

So, a friend of mine broke up with her current (or should I say ex-) boyfriend, who is also my friend. You know, I am very, very grateful my boyfriend is the way he is. He doesn’t jump from one relationship to the next. There are a few friends I know who’ve gone thru so many relationships in the couple of years I’ve known them. But then, they are younger than me. Do they not know what they want? As for me, I can count the number of boyfriends I’ve had on one hand. First, I was unsure, but as I got older, as I watched friends, or my parents or whatever, I guess I figured a little what I was looking for, what to do or not to do. The end of this month marks 6 months with my boyfriend. And while I do get sad, annoyed, and whatnot, I feel happy overall because he’s around or he just says…the right things most times that calms me down. Its very strange… Haha. Sometimes I feel lucky… No matter what other people think of him.

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-_-X

I’m having the worst day today. Started out happy with my love, but then went from bad to worst. Feeling like yelling again… But I’m me. Keep it in.

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The End of October

Hello, world! Well, I meant to write another entry on the 1st, but I forgot and had other things to worry about. Bills and the Direct TV guy coming by to install it and my insurance.

On the 28th, I went out with my bestie, her mom, her mom’s friend, her sister, and her sister’s friend. So…we went to a Halloween..exhibition? I guess you’d call it. Its the Fright Night Scream Park. We couldn’t go to Hobbs Grove this year, which I did for the past two years and I was looking forward to it. Anyway, that wasn’t all that scary. Ah, well. Still fun to hang out with my best friend AND ride in a super awesome Camaro ^.^ Sweeeeeeet.

So my mom’s birthday was coming up on the 31st. We don’t celebrate Halloween in my house, so its basically a candy/party fest at our house because of her. On Saturday, my bestie came over to spend the night and we got to working most of Sunday for dinner :] BBQ. Came out decent for a bunch of amateurs. Lmao.

My brother and wife left before it was served though. Since his wife and her family still do Halloween, they dressed up my nephew in a Snoopy costume. It was really cute. I have it up on my facebook page only.

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