Archive for December, 2010

Do….I talk too much?

…Sorry. I really, really try to refrain from saying too much. Al’s last words really hit me hard. What you feared….just came true. But… Its hard for me since that time.. I keep everything in… Keep it in.. And it has nowhere to go. So I get stuck in myself. What do I do? I get stuck in my head and I’m alone. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go.

Do you know that’s my biggest fear? Being alone. I want to be needed. I don’t want to push anyone to stay with me. That’s why the people who truly matter are few. Sure, some can leave when they want and I’ll miss them, but only a small few I want to stay with me so bad. But I won’t push. Won’t push you to stay with me. Stay because you want to.

Its very hard. I always want to reach for you. Always. Safe. Safe. You’re here. With me. Stay. Stay. Can’t make you. Stay. Stay.

I have such a bad headache right now. Its been a while since I’ve been like this. Really. I’m kind of shaking at the moment. Even as I’m rubbing my palm to my forehead. Its so bad. Everything about me is so fucked. I felt so good this morning. I wanted to tell you so many things… But you know, life has this thing about throwing lemons at you. Although, I like lemons. I’d make you a lemon meringue pie because I know you love it.

Lately, it feels a little like you’re so far away from me. I get sad that you don’t want to play with me. To joke. To laugh. I want to hear you laugh again. Want to make you laugh. Are you angry? Are you sad? I don’t know. I can’t feel you these days. Can’t understand what’s going through your head. Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Do wish you could hold me as much as I want to hold you?

Jealousy can’t even stick to hard me because I want to make you happy. It makes me a little bitter that its not me, but it can’t be helped. You over me. I know you’d do the same. Me over you. We’re quite a pair.

I love you.

♥♥♥

This is Annoying…

So, my mom sees the baby every other day. How am I supposed to look for a job and start it when she does this and leaves me home to take care of everything else? Huh? And my brother Roberto isn’t any better. He works and when he’s home he either says he’s going out or pulls shit out of his ass that…oh, he’s tired and whatever the shit. How the fuck do they expect to pull this….amazing appar-fuck-ently heist? Even my other brother and his wife just have me watch their kids. Ugh.

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I Feel Like a Fool Again

Really. Were he near me, I’d avoid eye contact and avoid being alone with him. I don’t want him to see me. Ah, shyness and lack of confidence, you’re never far from me. And when I kick your ass to the curb, its always in vain. Ha…. Yeh, its not funny.

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I don’t know what to do anymore…

I try to make myself from reaching anyone, but its…an impossible task to me because of who I am. Is it funny that my name means beloved, but it seems like I’m the one reaching for it? Seems more like I’m loveless. To anyone.

I want to cry. I want to rage. But I can’t do it. I can’t show them. It makes me even more frustrated to be here and not able to do a damned thing for myself. Now I’m showing signs of wanting pain again. And that…no, I can’t do that either.

I’m hurting. I’m hurting. I’m hurting. I’m hurting.

If I say it enough, will it stop?

Gawd, my thoughts are so scattered. There are… a lot of things I wanna say, I’m just not if I can put it in words that are understandable. Andwho cares? No one is listening. Only I am listening to myself. Maybe I should go back to my diary. Actually, I probably will because even online, there are things I can’t say.

I feel like gorging on food again. Cupcakes and all that. Can’t do that either. Diabetic. Do I really want to give myself that much pain and regret later? ha hah hah haha….

…its not funny.

I’m alone. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve anything.

Let me cry.

Heh

…Its okay. Really, it is. You can say no.

♥♥♥

Aarryn

So I went to the hospital today to see my little brother with my mom. He won’t be able to come home until around the end of January. Right now he’s in this incubator that keeps him warm, and there’s a tube down his throat that feeds him. You have to wash your hands and sanitize them before you can touch him. If you touch anything on your person or something like… your bag, then again sanitizing them. You can only kiss him on the head or feet when you hold him cus there can be germs from your mouth that carry to him should you kiss him on the lips or his hands. (He moves his hands to his mouth.)

None of it is surprising, actually. I’ve done it before with my brother, Danny.

But he does make me nervous to hold. All newborns have. Although Aarryn was the smallest. His hand a little bigger than my thumb. Can you imagine? And I’ve seen him up close.

He’s so cute and looks very much like Danny and Joey.

♥♥♥

……..Fuck everyone

I’m not in a mood to be social. Everyone is on my back with BLAME. I can hear my mom talking about me and its really just pissing me off more.

AND SHE WANTS TO DO THE WHOLE HOUSE WIFE SHIT CUS OF THE BABY?!

Hah.

Double HAH HAH.

….Don’t even get me started on the rest of the shit. I just wanna walk out right now. Slam the fucking door y todo. Like I give two shits if it wakes my nephew. Not like my brother and his wife do much anyhow.

You complain about how it stinks in the kitchen yet you don’t do shit about it?! What, you think you’re a guest? I don’t fucking think so.

♥♥♥

Will Anything Change?

Were I to do what I have to…. would anyone help? Would anything change in him? I know he’d be pissed and Ashley equally sad, but I hate how its become. They tried counseling. It doesn’t even look like it did shit. If anything, it looks like how my uncle was…

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All I Want For Christmas…..?!

So, people have been asking me what I want. I….don’t really know :o LOLz. I’m more or less okay. So I thought about it… Things I wanted.

    ▲External Hard Drive (I won’t always have my laptop, but I would like my files)
    ▲Ear Plugs (Skull Candy)
    ▲Accessories (Earrings, rings, bracelets, necklaces, rainbow/cutesy/striped socks, gloves, keychains)
    ▲Mid-calf black boots (size 8 women, 9 guys)
    ▲Games for PSP (RPG preferred)
    ▲Art stuff (xD I can never have too much)
    ▲Teddy Bear (I would esp want one from my bf)
    ▲Roses (I might have been a tomboy..or am, but I am still a girl who loves roses… any color)
    ▲Chocolate (Need I say more?)
    ▲Figurines (Dragon statues, anime characters, etc)
    ▲Dollfie/Asian ball-jointed dolls (*dreamy sigh* They’re just so beautiful…)
    ▲Anime Wall Scrolls (I think that’s what they’re called?)

Um…think that’s it?

♥♥♥

Computer Engineering

So, I was doing what I always do when I’m bored. Going around checking stuff. That is, after I was playing a little bit of BBS, which actually started to frustrate me. Anyway, I decided to go to Drop Box and download pictures from there to my PSP. (Doesn’t work, btw. That sucks.) But I came across their page saying they’re hiring and was checking out their perks.

Haha, but I don’t know anything about what it really requires.

Although, funny thing is that I remember I wanted to be a computer engineer before. I guess this is as good a time to get re-aquainted with that option and head for that direction in school. I mean, its nice to learn more about art since that has always been my passion, whether I’m drawing or not, but will that get ME ahead? At least with engineering, I know for sure what I can do. With art, I do know, its just hard to get myself to do it and not become so frustrated/disappointed so much at the outcome.

I think I might go online later and start studying up. Like actually getting myself to understand. Feels like a puzzle. And sometimes with me, I want to find out the answer.

Can I do this?

I have to do this.

♥♥♥

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