Archive for January, 2011

Rainstorm

So, the rainstorm got so bad that the lightning and thunder made the ground shake slightly AND now we’re without power. Quite scary. Only felt a few of these in my lifetime.

Gawd, I have nothing to do. I’m making a quick entry because I have to conserve the battery power on my phone. Blah, no wi-fi, so not even worth it to get on the net on my phone. AT&T data service sucks out here.

Can’t even take a shower because 1)I’m watching the baby and 2)the water heater is electric. Lame.

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E_E….

Haha…ha…………ha >_____> Okay, totally not a good idea sometimes to be awake and wondering shit you shouldn’t be wondering. Or wandering ._____. You see stuff you totally don’t want to.

But….

+______+ Just pisses you off and makes you want to reach that perfection line again. I gave up on perfection because of my depression. Or most of it. Fucking want to grab it again, and be like “Hah! Bitch. You lowered your expectations on me so I have gone far and beyond. Couldn’t believe I was this epic, right? Fuck you. Fuck you all.”

-_-x I’m annoyed… Really irked.

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Kinda Strange

Had a zombie dream. But I wasn’t scared. Usually, I get upset over some kind of apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic kind of dream. But I was a surviver and not alone :] Actually helping out and not sticking to the back-back as scared as I was. Really weird for me.

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One of Those Nights

So…last night…was…one of those nights, y’know? Where you feel like just…holding your love. Don’t need to say anything. Don’t need any words. Just there.

It surprised me he answered back. Really gave me an overload that I got really excited.

But then, you say the wrong thing and the spell breaks.

So you’re alone again. Sad. Hating yourself.

And your thoughts go: He was up…but didn’t answer your 2 texts before you sent a 3rd.

And that just upsets you more.

u___u…..

I really hate myself.

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Ah, so its like this now…

Not only am I going through a depression…again while on that fucking horrid week of the month… but NOW I have to watch my baby brother during the day while my mom sleeps… AND cook and clean. I could deal with one or the other, but not both. But my brother, who is not even working today…. complains… yet again as to why he has to cook all the time. “All the time” is a major exaggeration folks. He doesn’t do shit anymore cus apparently his part-time job is giving him a mental breakdown. >_> Bunch. Of. Bullshit.

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*sighs*

I really am kinda bored and kinda tired. Just can’t sleep. Been drawing for about two hours or so, but whenever I use Cam Studio and open SAI later, my tablet won’t work. The sensitivity, not that’s its broken. Freakin laptop is breaking down slowly.

I’m sighing so much lately. Just so tired of life, y’know? Its this endless cycle. Endless. Want some free time to do what I want to. To laugh. Doesn’t seem like I can laugh these days. Not even my boyfriend because he deals with his own issues…hardly talks to me. Doesn’t mean I stopped loving him or anything. Just sad and lonely again. Sometimes I wish I were a drinker or smoker. Just to do something and occupy myself, but that would only make everythig worse and would hurt me.

23. Can you believe it? 23. I don’t want to. Wasted a lot of time. Do I regret meeting certain people? No. Do I regret learning more about myself? No. I just regret I haven’t done anything and I’m at this age where it seems I’m too old. Bleak. Yeh, the future seems so dismal and bleak. Sometimes I wonder what there is to laugh about…when I’m in such a black mood. Other times, I’m just greatful for the people I gathered around me. Make me forget, make me laugh, and distracting me from things I have waiting for me.

Whenever I think about my boyfriend just coming to the breaking point and breaking up with me, I get extremely pessimistic. I just got so fucking tired of looking….still do… I just don’t have eyes for anyone at all. I do everything… EVERYTHING in my power to keep him around. Not bothering him so much… Not asking him personal questions unless he wants to talk about it… But I have nothing else to say besides my occasional thoughts and my pissed off moods and my stupid life. I want to apologize over and over and over for being nothing. I want to give him so many thing I don’t have, but there the apologies come again. And sometimes I really want to say, “You deserve someone so much better.” Why are you with me? Why do you love me? Do you still feel the same as you did 9 months ago? Do you still don’t trust me enough? Am I enough for you? Or am I too much for you?

I never want this to end with him. This is someone I do want to spend my life with because after someone who was more comfort and someone who was such a freelancer… I’m happy he is who he is. Just wish he wasn’t so sad. I can’t help him when he is.

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Apathetic Me

Do you know what’s sad? To be sad that I’m not sad over the fact that very little is starting to matter to me. I guess the only things that still move me are art and my boyfriend. Maybe my friends. It depends. But yeh, most of my stuff… The shit that I’ve treasured for…. many years… they just started to mean little. I only have most of it cus I’m a pack rat and they were given to me, but yeh… Not really.

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C: D: O:

So my brutha (this is, my 2nd younger bro) gave me earbuds that he was getting for himself since he lost his good ones, but gave them to me since its difficult to find decent earphone/buds for my small ears that fit without hurting me too much. What’s sad is that if its this difficult to find earphones/buds, its hard to find a bluetooth device for me too. I had one…and after about 30min, starting hurting me. I don’t know where its at ._. But think I broke them n.n

So, this is the 3rd night I’ve woken up at 12am or something ._. I don’t even know why. I just all of a sudden wake up. And getting to sleep in the morning is difficult cus I have things to do. So pretty much am very tried later in the day. Doing things is like 2x’s difficult to what already I have to do e_e And that really sucks if anyone is actually keeping up on my life.

Found a song on youtube that I’m obsessed with atm by Sugarcult. Its amazing what you can find out there. Also, finally got Megurine Luka’s “Just Be Friends”. That song has been haunting me since I saw the video on YouTube looking up something one night. (For the life of me, I can’t recall what it actually was I was looking up. I just go on a random boredom search.)

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Hardheaded People

They really annoy me sometimes. Always have to be the “win” and don’t take others’ opinions into account. Was debating between old vamps (Dracula) and new vamps (Twilight.) I stated many times of course Twilight vamps wouldn’t win again someone like Blade, who is TRAINED and SKILLED. Its not really a contest. Sad. Then say the whole time, they were trying to get their whole point across that new vamps are gay and fags. LOLz. C’mon, be more original…and no, that wasn’t even what you were trying to say. Your “facts” are simply opinions just as mine are. Respect opinions or people won’t respect you.

Vampires play a part in history as MYTHS. No one knows for sure what an actual vampire is or looks like. Thus, letting people and writers interpret it to their own whims, and giving birth to versions like Twilight. To assume Daywalkers are acceptable vamps too is questionable itself to “real vampire” lovers.

Guess some people need to get out there a little. *smh* No point in “debating” further since they put obvious wins together and listen to what they actually want. Its simply annoying to even someone like me who has stopped caring about a lot of things.

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