Archive for July, 2011

Of course…

…of course this day would be worse than yesterday.

Sad and Sick

I feel like throwing up. Either because of what I ate or because of anxiety. Don’t know. I just wanna lay down, sleep…

 

…and never wake up. Seriously. Have had a bad case of suicidal thoughts for a while now. Often wondering what I’m living for anymore. Wonder how so many people could walk through life…as boring as it is…and simply live it. I can’t… I can’t live alone. And the one person I want…causes me so much agony in my chest. I’d rather someone stab me in the heart; it’d be less painful than the heartache.

I’m so bottled up with emotions, I want to scream. Its there…waiting for me to let it out, but I can’t. I don’t feel anyone…deserves to see me weak. Why should they when they never noticed before how sad I was? And when I voiced my sorrows, they laughed or threw it back in my face. Where were they when I needed them? And now I feel so alone again… After 7 years… Nothing has changed.

Sketch 07/07/11

Blah. Boredom. Sketched it and decided to paint the sketch (without CG outlining cus I’m lazy like that.) Playing with techniques in SAI. Sadly, the colors were not originally these. Messed with the settings (hue, saturation, etc) and liked the change.

 

That Time Again…

Gawd, so freaking restless. I don’t want to do anything, but then I do. Don’t know what and what I can, I don’t want to. Don’t want to draw or write or read or play games. Don’t know what it is… Even listening to music is just not cutting it.

So, I passed both my classes. 99% on one and 100% on the other. Finals weren’t difficult either. It was harder just waiting, to be honest. These next set of classes… while I am looking forward to them, they’re making me anxious again. So easy to get that way for me.

As for my other half, well… I’m just lonely. You know, all my life, I’ve been looking for that person to share everything with… Its hard to know you found it…and yet be afraid. So many things to fear… To be so unsure. BUT right now I’m just having to deal with being alone with myself since his phone is messed up. On the computer, being more…social, I guess. Gets boring fast, though. Most people don’t hold much interest for me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, my bestie has been at my house. Its cool to have her around that long and all. A slight load off me especially this past week, and maybe off her, since her home situation seems 100x’s worse than mine. I am not even kidding.

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