Archive for Life

Of course…

…of course this day would be worse than yesterday.


Sad and Sick

I feel like throwing up. Either because of what I ate or because of anxiety. Don’t know. I just wanna lay down, sleep…


…and never wake up. Seriously. Have had a bad case of suicidal thoughts for a while now. Often wondering what I’m living for anymore. Wonder how so many people could walk through life…as boring as it is…and simply live it. I can’t… I can’t live alone. And the one person I want…causes me so much agony in my chest. I’d rather someone stab me in the heart; it’d be less painful than the heartache.

I’m so bottled up with emotions, I want to scream. Its there…waiting for me to let it out, but I can’t. I don’t feel anyone…deserves to see me weak. Why should they when they never noticed before how sad I was? And when I voiced my sorrows, they laughed or threw it back in my face. Where were they when I needed them? And now I feel so alone again… After 7 years… Nothing has changed.

Sketch 07/07/11

Blah. Boredom. Sketched it and decided to paint the sketch (without CG outlining cus I’m lazy like that.) Playing with techniques in SAI. Sadly, the colors were not originally these. Messed with the settings (hue, saturation, etc) and liked the change.


That Time Again…

Gawd, so freaking restless. I don’t want to do anything, but then I do. Don’t know what and what I can, I don’t want to. Don’t want to draw or write or read or play games. Don’t know what it is… Even listening to music is just not cutting it.

So, I passed both my classes. 99% on one and 100% on the other. Finals weren’t difficult either. It was harder just waiting, to be honest. These next set of classes… while I am looking forward to them, they’re making me anxious again. So easy to get that way for me.

As for my other half, well… I’m just lonely. You know, all my life, I’ve been looking for that person to share everything with… Its hard to know you found it…and yet be afraid. So many things to fear… To be so unsure. BUT right now I’m just having to deal with being alone with myself since his phone is messed up. On the computer, being more…social, I guess. Gets boring fast, though. Most people don’t hold much interest for me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, my bestie has been at my house. Its cool to have her around that long and all. A slight load off me especially this past week, and maybe off her, since her home situation seems 100x’s worse than mine. I am not even kidding.


A lot of celebratory events and holidays have been coming up lately. Have a wedding to attend for my cousin soon and then I might go to another cousin’s Quincenera. The only reason I don’t usually like events like these is because its always family… And its not that I hate my family, but I’m not close to them, so I end up alone. Its not like I can take my boyfriend along either. I would. Hell, freaking flaunt that sexy mofo because my family always makes me feel like I’m pathetic, but I don’t want him anywhere near them either. They can be quite… something. It would only piss me off if I heard bad things being said about him. I could really care less about myself.

Gawd, I’m so tired. But I have so many things I have to do and so many things I want to do, never enough time in a day… or weekend.

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Busy busy busy.

Back to school! Back to school! Yeh, that’s why I haven’t been on my phone so much or socializing. People miss me :o I’m so amazed. I decided to stop socializing because people were killing me as distractions and further upsetting my when I was already stressed with school. I’m such a perfectionist going to a B is a fail. Isssues. My sweetie’s bday came and went. Glad he had a good bday. He seriously needed it. :) And he sent me a picture ^-^ I love zeh beach. I actually had to go out of town for my cousin’s baby shower so all I saw were mountains….and snow. Actually, Friday, it was hailing here, which is amazing. In the central valley of California we only see rain and fog. People here don’t know how to handle ice and snow >_>




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Okay, soooo…

…my first week back in school >> College, not high school. I is no HS drop out << Psh. LOLz. Anyway, this is something totally different that people didn't expect it from me since I'm so squeamish when it comes to doctors, blood, wounds, needles, and such. Pharmacy Tech. And while I'm slightly overwhelmed by how much I have to learn, its not all that hard right now. Even my bf thought it would HARD. We do have to know like some 200 most-used drugs by brand, generic, and their use, but I believe that all the practice I'm getting is really sticking. Thank gawd.


Guess who’s going back to school? That’s right. The neighbor. jkjk. MMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!! And I’m glad to. Its sucks like hell to be stuck around the house being the babysitter/maid and without a job. Hopefully this will help me and not screw me over. Was supposed to start in April, but since I was first alternative and someone didn’t go to the orientation, so I got the call to come in Monday. Whoo hoo!

Tsunami Warning

So… by now, you should have heard of Japan’s Earthquake and Tsunami hits. Well, apparently, there was also a warning for here in California besides the ones in the Phillipines and Russia (I heard) and other places.

Totally forgot about it.

Had a dear friend text me and ask me if I was alright. I was confused why she was asking me. My first thoughts were that one of my statuses somewhere were bad. Haha. Silly me.

Ah, but yes, I’m actually fine. I didn’t have a doubt that the strength of the tsunami from Japan would dwindle by the time it reached here. It would need to be far, far stronger to reach the “bowl” of California since I live between mountain ranges. Also, the warning was for Northern California. I live in Central Cali. Was also not worried for any friends or my boyfriend (who lives in SoCal).

Btw, have you looked up the vids on youtube for these things? While I do send my prayers to Japan and totally wish to help out, I find it rather sad that natural disasters cause religious debates.

End of the world? Well, there pretty much is going to be an ending. Of that, you should not doubt. What I find stupid is that people seem to think all these disasters are “too much”. Okay, when mankind goes around messing with ecosystems, of course nature is going to backlash. When mankind destroys its ozone, giving way to stronger rays from the sun and pretty much helping global warming along faster, of course there’s gonna be consequences.

And when the earth is getting filled with more and more people, of course lots of people will die. I don’t see how it can be avoided since there isn’t really any places anymore that has not been touched by man already.

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When I Wake Up…

…seems like all this will have been just a sweet dream.

And I’ll be alone again.

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