Archive for Thoughts

Of course…

…of course this day would be worse than yesterday.

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Sad and Sick

I feel like throwing up. Either because of what I ate or because of anxiety. Don’t know. I just wanna lay down, sleep…

 

…and never wake up. Seriously. Have had a bad case of suicidal thoughts for a while now. Often wondering what I’m living for anymore. Wonder how so many people could walk through life…as boring as it is…and simply live it. I can’t… I can’t live alone. And the one person I want…causes me so much agony in my chest. I’d rather someone stab me in the heart; it’d be less painful than the heartache.

I’m so bottled up with emotions, I want to scream. Its there…waiting for me to let it out, but I can’t. I don’t feel anyone…deserves to see me weak. Why should they when they never noticed before how sad I was? And when I voiced my sorrows, they laughed or threw it back in my face. Where were they when I needed them? And now I feel so alone again… After 7 years… Nothing has changed.

Sketch 07/07/11

Blah. Boredom. Sketched it and decided to paint the sketch (without CG outlining cus I’m lazy like that.) Playing with techniques in SAI. Sadly, the colors were not originally these. Messed with the settings (hue, saturation, etc) and liked the change.

 

That Time Again…

Gawd, so freaking restless. I don’t want to do anything, but then I do. Don’t know what and what I can, I don’t want to. Don’t want to draw or write or read or play games. Don’t know what it is… Even listening to music is just not cutting it.

So, I passed both my classes. 99% on one and 100% on the other. Finals weren’t difficult either. It was harder just waiting, to be honest. These next set of classes… while I am looking forward to them, they’re making me anxious again. So easy to get that way for me.

As for my other half, well… I’m just lonely. You know, all my life, I’ve been looking for that person to share everything with… Its hard to know you found it…and yet be afraid. So many things to fear… To be so unsure. BUT right now I’m just having to deal with being alone with myself since his phone is messed up. On the computer, being more…social, I guess. Gets boring fast, though. Most people don’t hold much interest for me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, my bestie has been at my house. Its cool to have her around that long and all. A slight load off me especially this past week, and maybe off her, since her home situation seems 100x’s worse than mine. I am not even kidding.

Celebrations

A lot of celebratory events and holidays have been coming up lately. Have a wedding to attend for my cousin soon and then I might go to another cousin’s Quincenera. The only reason I don’t usually like events like these is because its always family… And its not that I hate my family, but I’m not close to them, so I end up alone. Its not like I can take my boyfriend along either. I would. Hell, freaking flaunt that sexy mofo because my family always makes me feel like I’m pathetic, but I don’t want him anywhere near them either. They can be quite… something. It would only piss me off if I heard bad things being said about him. I could really care less about myself.

Gawd, I’m so tired. But I have so many things I have to do and so many things I want to do, never enough time in a day… or weekend.

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When I Wake Up…

…seems like all this will have been just a sweet dream.

And I’ll be alone again.

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So…

New month, huh? Well, I’ve been busier and more tired. Might start going back to school by the end of this month or next month. While its not for my dream job, at least I’d have something to back me up for a job with my already lack of job experience. I was talking to a friend that I’d go back to school later for art or learn myself. Its endless anyway. My passion for art. I want to do everything. Never content to just one form. Lmao.

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I don’t think…

…I have much faith in people sticking with me. I’m fine with the people not close-close to me, but the ones I want to keep? I might smile and say its okay, but I feel left behind and just… unwanted. And I often wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” “What is it about me?” Until I start thinking, “I don’t deserve anyone… at all.”

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Something That Further Annoys Me

In this day and age, beautiful has this high standard. Its so bad, that girls (and guys) feel VERY insecure. So…today I was looking through the top blogs on a social site I go to. I go there from my phone because that’s basically the only thing that is fast enough for me without annoying me so much. Facebook is bleh. Thats why I miss Moba. Relieved me when I was bored and was mobile friendly. ANYWAY,  so the top blog has an opinion. Who they thought were beautiful by their pictures. I don’t mind that.

But adding in that you didn’t think the rest were pretty cus you didn’t think so or cus you haven’t seen their pic? And its obvious there were A LOT more girls with their pics up. Hmmmmm…..

Yes, and nice touch by adding in their all beautful in the inside. >____> /end sarcasm

<___< I’m getting flashbacks of grade school.

u_u

I think I should stop talking about myself completely besides two people u_u Everyone else just doesn’t understand and they don’t respond back when I need them.

♩♩ ♪♪ ♬ ♪♪♪ ♬

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