Posts Tagged ‘life’

Being Judged….

…makes me angry.

Being judged by someone you love….

…fucking hurts.

Makes me bite back. Don’t get mad at me for being a bitch. Take a look at yourself first.

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Sad and Sick

I feel like throwing up. Either because of what I ate or because of anxiety. Don’t know. I just wanna lay down, sleep…

 

…and never wake up. Seriously. Have had a bad case of suicidal thoughts for a while now. Often wondering what I’m living for anymore. Wonder how so many people could walk through life…as boring as it is…and simply live it. I can’t… I can’t live alone. And the one person I want…causes me so much agony in my chest. I’d rather someone stab me in the heart; it’d be less painful than the heartache.

I’m so bottled up with emotions, I want to scream. Its there…waiting for me to let it out, but I can’t. I don’t feel anyone…deserves to see me weak. Why should they when they never noticed before how sad I was? And when I voiced my sorrows, they laughed or threw it back in my face. Where were they when I needed them? And now I feel so alone again… After 7 years… Nothing has changed.

Celebrations

A lot of celebratory events and holidays have been coming up lately. Have a wedding to attend for my cousin soon and then I might go to another cousin’s Quincenera. The only reason I don’t usually like events like these is because its always family… And its not that I hate my family, but I’m not close to them, so I end up alone. Its not like I can take my boyfriend along either. I would. Hell, freaking flaunt that sexy mofo because my family always makes me feel like I’m pathetic, but I don’t want him anywhere near them either. They can be quite… something. It would only piss me off if I heard bad things being said about him. I could really care less about myself.

Gawd, I’m so tired. But I have so many things I have to do and so many things I want to do, never enough time in a day… or weekend.

♩♩ ♪♪ ♬ ♪♪♪ ♬

Protected: Plate Full of Guys

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Protected: Leave it to me….?

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Protected: Yeah, let’s make the fire bigger…

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Protected: When things pile up…

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Protected: Life and Manga

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Protected: Did I Make the Right Decision?

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Life

Hey ya’ll. What’s up? Well I’ve been so busy this week, you can only imagine. I got a call from Katherine about recommendations, but I didn’t do it. Oops. I think I’ll do it Monday. Anyways, Erin had an recital I wanted to go, but I had to stay home to watch the kids while mom was away. >__< I think a girl in my Spanish 3 class gave it to me b/c she came to school with it one day.

Life's being more difficult again. I still have scholarships and colleges to do, but then I have to order the cap and gown for graduation. I have an SAT coming up in November, an ACT I have to sign up for….for December, Prom to think about, AP tests coming in early May (3 this year for me)…..

Then mom talkes to me about….about her having to get surgery. The night before, she had scared me because she had gone into my room, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I love you." It bothered me. What she told me is that the surgery costs $2 000, and its so they can shrink her stomach so she won't gain a lot of weight. You see, mom has diabetes and it runs through both sides of my family, so I might get it soon too. Well, the doctors said that a lot of her is HIGH like blood sugar, and it all won't go down. Its not mom's fault. She eats healthy and all. But….but….

Then she said she has to get it NOW because she's afraid she won't live lone enough to…to see her grandchildren or see Kathryn/1 and Daniel/3 in high school. I wanted to cry b/c I could lose my mother, but I didn't. I could've, but I didn't. And now, I'm crying.

Crying my tears away.

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